Mar 312009
Him sure do talk

Him sure do talk

OK, all of you red-faced Cowboys’ fans: you can come out from under the bed and take the bag off your head. Emmitt Smith’s tenure at ESPN has mercifully come to an end.

While employed by ESPN, Emmitt was a cliche-spitting, infinity-splitting, stupidity-emitting, bumbling buffoon. To highlight and contrast his ineptitude as a broadcaster, the geniuses  at the worldwide leader of sports paired him with the incredibly bright, thoughtful, well-spoken, strongly-opinionated Steve Young. Another win for the 49ers (groan).

Any Cowboys’ fan could have told the ESPN brass that Emmitt wasn’t exactly a prime candidate to hire as a talking head. How many times did we suffer through a brutal interview featuring the all-time leading rusher? “Let myself tell you myself think…”

One blogger has made sport of Emmitt’s work at ESPN. Here are a few samples for your enjoyment:

  1. “Wade [Phillips] inherit this success.” (Commentary: That may be true, but it also looks like someone will be inheriting Emmitt’s seat on Sunday NFL Countdown sometime soon.)
  2. “My game-breaker go to Brett Favre.” (Commentary: And my dictionary go to Emmitt. Please, Emmitt, start reading.)
  3. “And when defense felt my will, it was a total different game then.” (Commentary: Scoring touchdowns? Easy. Using adverbs? Impossible.)
  4. “The Packers don’t has a running game.” (Commentary: And if this keeps up, ESPN will not has good ratings.)
  5. “This team have not played confident football in three weeks.” (Commentary: I love it how Emmitt refuses to use contractions. Emmitt doesn’t cut corners!)
  6. “He gets the ball over to their third read than most quarterback can.” (Commentary: I think Emmitt forgot a word here, but at least he didn’t say “He get the ball over…”)
  7. “Mike Martz have this offense rollin'” (Commentary: And Emmitt have this grammar thing rollin’… NOT.)
  8. “The Pittsburgh Steelers are not as good as everyone think they are.” (Commentary: What is Emmitt talking about? I thinks the Steelers is good!”)
  9. “He deserve to be coach of the year.” (Commentary: I wasn’t sure who should be coach of the year, but Emmitt really swayed me with that argument.”)
  10. “He’s gonna be the guy Tom Brady look for on third downs.” (Commentary: And I don’t think Emmitt’s gonna be the guy Webster look for when he updates his dictionary.)

Read the rest here, if you must. (Warning: Your brain may turn to mush.)

As a devoted fan of America’s Team, I would like to thank Emmitt for the memories and implore him to find a less loquacious means of keeping himself in the spotlight. (Shudders to think how that Hall of Fame acceptance speech is going to sound.)