Honestly, Jerry Jones has put me in such a foul mood that I have become entirely too negative on this page. Three straight 8-8 seasons, bungled draft day decisions like the move to take the Wonderlic Kid Mo Claiborne a couple years ago and the decision to nab Invisible Man TE Gavin Escobar in the draft just past, ridiculous statements by a belligerent owner bent on proving he is a “football man”, and a litany of other things contributing to nearly two decades of also-ran, middle-of-the-pack, uninspired football have taken all the (here’s the Jerry word) “positivity” out of me.
Well, not all of it. I am more buoyant than all that. I was born the same year the Cowboys started playing football and as soon as I could say the word “football,” I became a fan. It is going to take more than a mere 17 years of nut-kicking from the Crazy Prospector in the owner’s suite to take away my hope.
If you grew up in church like I did, you have probably heard a bajillion times someone say something like this:
I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet.
It is true. Things could always be worse. There is always someone worse off than yourself. (I am not sure what it says about a person who learns to gloat about his own circumstance just because he is score boarding the less fortunate. but I am willing to try. So, here goes.)
I am here to help the fan of the eternally mediocre Cowboys feel rich vis a vis the misery of others. Therefore, I give you the Top 10 Reasons to be glad you are a Dallas Cowboys fan and not a fan of…
- The Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars have a roster that barely qualifies as NFL caliber. They play in a city that does not qualify as NFL caliber. If the team does not get better really fast, it will be moved. If the team does get better, it will still probably be moved.
- The Cleveland Browns. Cleveland got their team name back. They got to keep the team’s history. And by history, I mean way, way back yonder. They also got willy-nilly team management that keeps making bad coaching and personnel decisions and changing directions. The Browns are like watching a crazed dog chase its tail.
- The Buffalo Bills. The greatest player in team history is a scourge on society, a disgraced alleged double-murderer. The greatest playoff run in team history ended in four consecutive Super Bowl losses. And you have to live in…Buffalo. That’s really cold, man.
- The Houston Texans. Houston is doomed to be the home of the other Texas team. They put together a roster capable of making playoff noise and think they are a step away from being Super Bowl champions, when, in fact, they were but an injured running back away from getting their coach fired and securing the first pick in the draft. Houston will always be that muggy city where the gulf water is brown and the football team is not the Cowboys.
- The Oakland Raiders. Here is a team with a history as rich as the Cowboys. Super Bowl wins. Great football heroes. Larger than life coaches. A crazy maverick owner (now deceased). They are also stuck in the mire like the Cowboys. They squander draft picks. They waste year after year of their fans’ lives with bad moves, bad coaching, bad playing. So, what makes being a Raiders fan worse than being a Cowboys fan? OAKLAND! The Toilet by the Bay. The inner city that stares wistfully across the bay at a world-class city with a resurgent team. And the stadium. It was awful in the 70s.
- The Minnesota Vikings. For the Vikings, even the glory years ended in disappointment. Like the Bills, they made the Show four times in a decade. Like the Bills, they lost every time. They had the Purple People-Eaters. But they were PURPLE. Like a teletubby or a gender-confused crayon.
- The New York Jets. OK. You have Joe Namath and that one unlikely Super Bowl victory. What else you got? For years, you played in GIANTS Stadium. You still share a stadium. You are destined to forever be the “other” New York team.
- The Miami Dolphins. Since their last winning season, which was the 2008 campaign, the Dolphins have finished 7-9 three times, 6-10 once, and 8-8 this year. They have not even been good enough to be mediocre. Apparently, head coach Philbin saved his job by firing offensive coordinator Mike Sherman. Miami is a mess.
- The Detroit Lions. With a big-name, big-arm quarterback, the best wide receiver in the NFL, and a defense that features top picks all along the line, the Lions are always someone’s favorite to make playoff noise. Only, they never do. The roar of the Detroit Lions has been more a “meow” for as long as I have been watching football. Plus, it is Detroit, the city with 80,000 abandoned homes and businesses.
- The Washington Redskins. The only thing that keeps Jerry Jones from being the biggest football idiot among NFL owners is his NFC East compatriot, little Danny Snyder. You know, the man who changes directions and coaches with the wind. The man who fires a two-time Super Bowl winning coach in order to coddle a quarterback for whom he mortgaged his team’s future. The man who signed Albert Haynesworth to a monster contract. The man who makes Jerry look like a genius! Besides, Cowboys wear a star and are the good guys. Redskins? How much longer can that nickname survive a world gone mad with political correctness?
There you go, you loyal Cowboys fan, you. Ten teams that suck more than Jerry’s Boys. Don’t you feel better?
Besides, there is always next year…and the Cowboys cheerleaders.