Or Michelangelo unable to stay inside the lines on a paint-by-number picture.
Or Roy Rogers constantly being thrown by Trigger.
Or Isaac Newton staring blankly at that fallen apple.
Any of these make as much sense to me as the 2010 version of the Dallas Cowboys sporting a record of 1-4.
I have been watching football for more than four decades. I have seen some bad teams over the years, teams that were such doormats that other teams’ fans would look at the schedule, see them on it, and mark that one down as a win. Teams like the Lions, the Raiders, and Rams of the last few years. Teams like those Tampa Bay Buccaneers of the late seventies and early eighties. Heck, even teams like the late eighties and late nineties versions of the Dallas Cowboys.
But I have never seen a team with as much talent as these Cowboys stumble around for so long, finding new ways to implode every single week. Or, better put, imploding exactly the same way every week.
Stupid penalties. Untimely turnovers. These are the hallmarks of a team stacked with talent on both sides of the ball, a team expected by most to at least contend for a shot at playing a home game come Super Bowl XLV.
The NFL has the PUP: the “Physically Unable to Perform” list. These Cowboys have the “SUP”: The “Simply Unable to Perform” List, and nearly the whole dang team, its coaching staff and its management team are all on it. There is no rhyme, no reason, no excuse. They just cannot get the job done.
Imagine if you will a team ranked in the top five in the NFL on both offense and defense, yet unable to string together more than one win in five tries. Imagine a team that puts constant heat on opposing quarterbacks, shuts down running games, has play-making receivers all over the field, has a game-breaking type halfback, has a quarterback that is among the league’s best at improvising, making something out of nothing, buying extra time in the pocket. Imagine a team like that losing four of their first five games.
Someone said to me yesterday, “So your Cowboys are 1-4, huh?”
I answered, “Nope. They are 5-0. They have one win over the Houston Texans and they have beaten themselves four times.”
Someone else asked, “‘Sup wit’ ya Cowboys?”
“Yep,” says I. “SUP is right.”
Simply unable to perform.